And it didn’t just pervade the stories of his ex, I came to realize it occurred in every story he told and everything he did.
It was one of those points in a conversation where the connection between you breaks, and you realize, despite the apparent similarities, that this is someone who is different to you on a fundamental level. He needed girls to want to sleep with him and he needed me to know girls wanted to sleep with him.
No ‘player’ seemed to have made it out the other side.
Far from being immune to the pains that had driven me to seek validation from women, these men had been consumed by it.
It’s like the part in “When Harry Met Sally” when Sally is lamenting her ex-boyfriend, Joe, who just got engaged.
I’m inclined to think it might be the most important of human emotions. As for your question, I really had to rack my brain back to a time when I had a profile on every dating site out there. And I have no doubt that a number of them were convinced that I was a player. It may have absolutely no connection to his intentions.
But what’s worse is that whilst they got laid all the time, they never, ever got the kind of girl who was impressive in her own right (confident, self-assured, and with her shit together).
He was smiling and happy, but his body language screamed at me that he had avoided the question. When he talked about his Ex, it was stories about how she wasn’t over him, how whenever he went home she would jump at the chance to make herself available, how he felt sorry for her and sorry for the guy she was with.IT WAS A sobering moment when I befriended guys who ‘got laid all the time.’ I had formed an idea of who I wanted to be in my mind, an idea that was based around how I wished to behave, the results I wanted to get, and the way people would react to me.This idea, to my mind, would prevent me from feeling what I felt at the time; loneliness, sadness, and shame.Based on what I felt was lacking within me, this idea took root in the real world as a ‘player’.A guy who got all the girls, and was capable of getting the validation I emotionally needed at the time. I was sat in a hostel in South East Asia, talking with a guy who had an exceptional ability with women.He was a man at once propelled by his confidence and ability, whilst at the same time, stunted by his malformed emotional needs, which he constantly had to placate with validation.Inside, he was just as needy as I was when I had started.To which I’ll ask you: How do you know he’s on multiple sites unless you are, too? I just like to keep my options open — especially because I AM looking for a serious relationship.I also tried e Harmony at one point, but didn’t like it at all. Moral of the story is that I’ve gone out with hundreds of women since I started dating online in 1997. And I’ll be the first to tell you – it doesn’t happen very often. (The current girlfriend is a “real life” person, alas).